By Katherine Metzelaar, MSN, RDN, CD

Let me guess, you care what you look like.

But recently, you have started to question this.

Why do I care SO MUCH? Why do I feel so afraid of my body changing? Why do I want them to comment on my appearance even though I know how much I also hate it? And although you are beginning to see all the ways the culture contributes to your feelings around your appearance, you can’t quite shake it. In fact, maybe you are starting to feel like you are “vain” because you care. But here’s why that is not true:

You see, the definition of vanity is “excessive pride in or admiration of one’s own appearance or achievements” and I know that if you are reading this, you don’t feel that way about yourself.

So then, what is occurring when you don’t want to adhere to societal standards of what “beauty” is, and yet you keep finding yourself stuck in a pattern of thoughts related to what your body and appearance “should” look like?

Answer: Long held internalized beliefs are popping their head up, like a wack-a-mole game.

When you “internalize” something (an attitude, belief or behavior) you incorporate it as part of yourself (consciously or subconsciously).

Translation: You take in things that aren’t yours to begin with and you start to believe them as truth. And this holds true for beliefs around your body and appearance too.

When you are told something over and over again, you begin to believe it.

You have been told repeatedly “how cute you look,” “how pretty your hair is,” “how thin you are,” “how perfect your waist is,” and on and on and on. This is only further exacerbated and reinforced by the culture via images, comments, marketing, etc.

When you are constantly given attention,encouragement, affirmation and love for your looks (clothes, body shape and size, hair, makeup, etc.), and not for your brain (character, intelligence, accomplishments, interests, etc.) you internalize the belief that those things matter most. And, that without a thin body, pretty hair, perfect make-up, etc. you are unlovable, not attractive or sexy, and unworthy.

You have been taught your entire life that your value is found in your external appearance and your body. You have been taught that you are a body first and foremost.

So no, what you are experiencing is not vanity, but rather an awakening to deeply held systems of beliefs that you no longer want to adhere to, but have deep roots that you have to explore, unpack, unlearn and re-learn different ones.

You are becoming aware, not vain.

So, to increase the awareness of what your internalized belief systems are related to your body image and appearance, here are four questions that I encourage you to explore via journaling, in therapy, or with a trusted other:

When was it that I learned that my body was not ok just as it was? Has there every been a time that I believed that by body was ok just as it was?
What kinds of comments do I remember receiving about my appearance and body growing up from my peers, family and others?
What is my fear in allowing myself to not follow what I believe is expected of me, i.e. not wearing make-up, not shrinking my body, not dieting, etc.?

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Body Image Work is Not About Vanity