5 Ways To Set Boundaries With Loved Ones Around Diet Culture Talk
By Ayshia Ranjitsingh, RDN
Let’s face it–the home is one of the most common places where diet culture comes up.
Whether it’s with family, friends, or partners, it can be hard to decide how to navigate these conversations delicately without compromising your eating disorder/disordered eating treatment goals. This can be extra stressful when you feel like setting boundaries with loved ones is a reason to feel guilt or shame.
On top of that, diet talk is often a way many commune with peers. It may feel wrong not to commiserate when your friend or family member comments on the weight they’ve gained or how they dislike a part of their body. Collective self-shaming is an intrinsic part of our society.
We’re socialized to actively engage in these conversations with a resounding, “Me too.” And because of this, dealing with diet culture talk at home can be an ongoing battle. The first step is recognizing it when you hear it.
Here are five of the most common ways diet culture can show up in conversations.
Commenting on your plate. This could sound like…
“Do you want more food? You’re so skinny!”
“You’re going to eat all of that?”
“Are you trying to bulk up?”
Creating a “good” vs. “bad” food dichotomy. This could sound like…
“We’re going to stop eating white rice/pasta/bread. It’s so bad for you!”
“Why don’t you just have egg whites? There’s so much cholesterol in the yolks.”
“I’m not buying anything that’s processed anymore. Only whole foods from now on.”
“I’m eating low-carb now, I need to lose weight.”
Establishing a food reward or punishment system. This could sound like…
“I’ve been really good today, so I can have this brownie!”
“I had so much to eat at dinner last night, I’ll just skip breakfast today to make up for it.”
“I’ve been eating less all week so I could go out for drinks tonight.”
Movement is used to earn the right to eat or is only engaged in due to guilt. This could sound like…
“I had dessert yesterday, so I need to burn off an extra 500 calories at the gym today.”
“I bought a stationary bike for us, so there’s no excuse not to work out now!”
“I go to the gym at least 5 times a week, but I’m trying to go every day. What about you?”
Commenting on your body. This could sound like…
“Wow, you look so great! How much weight did you lose?”
“You can’t wear that dress without shapewear, you’ll see your stomach.”
“You’re so lucky you have such thin arms, I could never wear a top like that.”
where do you go from here? How To Set Boundaries With Diet Culture Talk
When you hear the word boundaries, you may shy away. You may feel the action of setting boundaries is “aggressive” or “confrontational”. The reality is that boundaries serve to protect you and can help prevent you from compromising your values, needs, wants, and goals.
What does it mean to set a boundary? According to Love Is Respect, “boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others.” Boundaries can be emotional, physical, or digital. And remember, boundaries can change over time. You can set different boundaries with different people. There is no one-size-fits-all approach and it really does depend on you.
Here are some tips from Psychology Today (and me) which may help you set boundaries:
Define your limits. What are you comfortable with at this time? With this person?
Be firm. Don’t apologize.
Know that you’re worthy and deserving of compassion and empathy.
Change your role in your relationships. Don’t let others set your boundaries for you.
Apply (and re-apply) the boundaries. Don’t expect everyone to catch on right away. Stick with it.
Don’t expect to be an expert overnight! Setting boundaries takes time.
how can you shut down unhelpful diet culture comments when you hear them and create boundaries you can stand by? Here are a few responses to try in your next conversation about diet talk.
“Let’s talk about something else.”- It’s okay to change the topic if you don’t feel comfortable. Sometimes, the simplest route is the best. If that doesn’t work, try…
“I don’t want to engage in diet talk.” -This is a solid, firm boundary which requires no extra explanation if you don’t want to give it.
“I’m really trying to work on developing a better relationship with food and talking about food with others is hard for me right now, which feels hard even to say out loud. Could we talk about something else?” -It’s ok to say that you don’t have things figured out and that it feels hard to name what you want.
“I’m trying to work on listening to my body cues about hunger. That’s really helped me enjoy my food and feel more satisfied. I know I used to view this differently, but I’m learning new things!”-It’s okay to change your stance on things you used to be comfortable with.
“I know this is something we used to talk about all the time, but I’m trying to work on developing a more intuitive relationship with food. I’d like it if we didn’t talk about food.”-You can ask them if they have addition questions about your journey if* you’re willing to answer.
If all else fails and diet talk is rampant with loved ones despite you setting your boundaries, don’t be afraid to remove yourself from the situation. Guilt is a common feeling when you stand up for yourself, but you don’t have to let it take root. There’s no need to apologize for your personal limits.
Some people may not be okay with your boundaries, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean your boundaries are wrong. It doesn’t mean you’re “too sensitive” or “too emotional”. Stay firm and know that you’re doing the best thing for you. Conflict is sometimes the healthiest thing for a relationship as it helps both parties to understand each other’s needs.
Boundaries, when it comes to diet culture talk, are one way to communicate your needs, and when communicated clearly, can also help improve your relationships by opening a clear line of communication between you and your loved ones. This can help prevent miscommunication, hurt feelings, and resentment and improve feelings of safety and respect. If the other party isn’t okay with your boundary, they might not be in a place to understand you.
Keep in mind that your eating disorder or disordered eating treatment is focused on you. The truth of the matter is that the only food-body relationship you can control is yours. And despite your best efforts, the people that you love will sometimes not respect your boundaries and that will be difficult but it’s often necessary in order for you to protect yourself and your own recovery.
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