Turkey with a Side of Diet Culture
By Katherine Metzelaar, MSN, RDN, CD
Oh Thanksgiving, the iconic American holiday.
Considering it’s the most traveled time of the year, many of you will be heading home to family to eat, connect and have some time off. And of course, that will mean that your boundaries will be respected, meal-time conversations will include the joy of the flavors of food, and no foods will be demonized. In fact, any diet talk will be left at the door.
Your holiday table will also consist of a harmonious family, where no one brings up issues past or reverts into their childhood roles. When the meal is finished, everyone’s discomfort around their fullness is celebrated and you take turns going around the room saying “ I am grateful to my body for…”
Wait, what?
For most of you, this is not your experience. In fact, I hope I had you smiling and rolling your eyes. While many of you may indeed have a peaceful, boundary-filled Thanksgiving, many of you will not (although I am very happy for you, really). Thanksgiving feels hard, like a battleground at times, and it may be something that you are not looking forward to (P.S. it’s ok to not like this holiday).
Thanksgiving is a charged holiday because it is centered on food AND you are surrounded by family that most likely participates in diet culture, not to mention all the other things that may come up within family of origin dynamics. The convergence of families and family members brings with it so many unpredictable conversations and potentially so many triggers too.
Thanksgiving may also come at a time when you are not feeling stable in your recovery (from diet/wellness culture, disordered eating or eating disorder), which may mean that you don’t have the energy or bandwidth to be able to give your Aunt, for example, your piece of mind over turkey with stuffing.
So what are some of the many diet culture, disordered eating comments you might come into contact with this year? Here are a few examples:
Aunt Linda: “I am so excited to indulge today, but I am really going to work out tomorrow.
Uncle Frank: “I haven’t eaten all day to prepare for this meal!”
Mom: “I am going to be bad today and have all the fat I want. It’s ok to be unhealthy on Thanksgiving”
Dad: “Today I am eating carbs even though I know they are SO terrible for me. Have you heard I am doing keto?”
Grandma: “You look like you have gained some weight, love.”
Partner: “Gosh I am so full. I shouldn’t have eaten so much! I feel so guilty.”
Sound familiar to you? These comments, or some version of them, are rampant on the Thanksgiving holiday. More often than not, our families are not trying to be hurtful or harmful, but intention does not negate impact.
Their actions do impact you.
But when we don’t see our families often, are in the middle of a big dinner, or are held hostage at our family's house for a whole day (jk, kinda), it can be super duper hard to say and do the things we would normally if these comments were made outside of the holiday.
So what do you do then? Here are some tips to offer guidance and support:
Let’s talk about realistic expectations. I often talk about the notion of having realistic expectations going into a big event in which we want things to go a certain way, but the reality is that it may go different way. For example, a realistic expectation on Thanksgiving is that Uncle Frank will talk about all the weight he has lost on his Paleo diet and you will get upset, and want to stop him from talking. Knowing this, how might you think about changing the topic with him ahead of time? How might you imagine getting out of that conversation? What’s a joke you can tell to lighten the mood and then sneak out? What do you want to give yourself permission to do when he does start taking about his diet?
Choose an ally. This may involve asking your partner, a brother/sister, Auntie, or anyone else at Thanksgiving that would be willing to step in and say, “Mom, stop that” ” or “Grandpa, let’s not talk about that now, how are you doing?” They are a person that is primed ahead of time to step in and help support you. They know what’s up and will be on the lookout.
Think through conversation starters. Think about a few things that you would like to know about each person that will attend. Use this when you need to pivot the conversation. For example, after Grandma starts talking about how amazing her new diet is and how great she feels having cut out dairy and gluten, you might say, “It sounds like you are feeling really energized now, which makes me wonder how other things are going. I was wondering recently what Thanksgiving was like for you as a kid?”
Decide your food and body boundaries ahead of time (and know that it’s ok if you aren't quite sure of them or are still sorting through them) What are you willing to engage with and what are you absolutely not ok engaging with? It can be helpful to give this some thought in advance so that you can do your best, should you choose it, to respect your own boundaries. Remember that “no” as a response to a comment or question can be a wonderful way to change topics and to not engage.
Have an exit plan. You may not use it, but it can feel helpful to have one ahead of time. If you decide that you need to get out of the house, what will you say? Will you let people know in advance that you may need to lie down for a bit later? Maybe take a walk outside after dinner?
Thanksgiving is a tough holiday to navigate and know that you don’t need to get it all right. You will do the best you can (mantra plug: “it’s safe to be good enough”) while navigating family dynamics that can be really tricky. My hope is that you will be able to utilize some of these tips to help get you through the big day. Know that I will be thinking of you and that you are not alone, even if it feels that way on the holiday.
You’ll also love…
Looking for more support with your relationship to food?
Breaking free from dieting, food rules, and from the endless battle against your own body is hard work. You deserve support to develop love, compassion and understanding for the body you have and to finally stop dieting for good! The dietitians from our Seattle, WA-based nutrition counseling practice would be honored to help you to overcome your struggle. To get 1:1 support today, please follow these simple steps:
Schedule a free 15-minute consultation by clicking the button below.
Meet with a caring dietitian.
Start your healing and recovery journey!